to remind myself

My Dearest Daughter, I see your loneliness and fear. I know your hurt and your heartaches. In a special bottle I am storing each and every one of your tears. I see you searching for love, for happiness, for fulfillment. As much as I hate to see your pain, as much as it grieves me to see you struggle, all this must be, in order for you to totally and completely come to the end of your own understanding: only then can you fully hear my voice.
Listen very carefully. Amidst the noise of the world, I’m calling. My voice is in the midst of your worst fears tenderly beseeching you to trust me, in the pain of your loneliness. If you hold real still, you can feel my arms encircling you and hear my soothing words of comfort. Yes, that still, small voice within you is mine. Yes, that gentle touch is me. Give me your pain- yes, all of it, and I will give you my peace. Give me your sorrow and I will give you joy unspeakable. I cherish you, Daughter. I shed my blood so that you could be clean. I want you for my companion, my bride, to love and cherish now and throughout eternity and I plan to dress you in the most beautiful of white garments. As you live out the joy and experience the wonder of being my bride, I will be your gentle tutor conforming you to my image.
I must begin by teaching you how to serve and live in submission to me. Let me convince you of your great value so that you may be able to fully share the love I have given you with the one you someday choose to bring to me as your earthly husband. Then, and only then, will you be the kind of wife I would choose for him. Give yourself completely to me. I want you to deny me nothing. I will not hurt you. I will not disappoint you. You can trust me- completely. I keep my promises. Do not be overly critical of yourself or become depressed because you are not perfect in your own eyes. It saddens me greatly to hear you criticize and devalue the one I love so much. Daughter, in me, you are complete and lacking in nothing. What right do you have to criticize the one I treasure? On what grounds do you find fault with what I have so fearfully and wonderfully made? Why do you call what I deem beautiful- ugly? Why do you believe that that one I love enough to die for is not good enough? Daughter, I want you to know who you are in me. I mean who you really are in me- completely loved and totally forgiven. I want you to trust me one step, one day, one second at a time. Dwell in My power and My love and be all that you are in me, in My strength, and in My power.
Do not fear what might happen or what the future may bring because my grace is sufficient and I will take care of you. Daughter, I know that you long to give yourself to someone, to have a deep relationship with him, and to be loved thoroughly and exclusively by him. But I must say no. Not until my love is enough. Not until you can see yourself truly complete in me. I love you, my child. Until you discover that your joy and satisfaction can be found in me alone, you will not be capable of handling the problems and disappointments that are part of every relationship. You can never be truly united with another in the way your heart desires, only I can fill that emptiness, only I can supply that need, only I can love you enough. You must be united with me, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings before you will have the strength to endure the many heart-aches and, yes, even soul-aches of even a seemingly perfect human relationship. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you my faithfulness, my gentleness, and my self-control. Then, you will need no other.
Daughter, I want you to allow me to be enough. You must keep your eyes on me, expecting the greatest and the best things from me. Keep experiencing the satisfaction of knowing that I am and that you are my child. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you. Stay close by my side. Seek my face in the morning, my presence throughout the day, and my comfort at night. I am always there, Daughter. I will never leave you or forsake you. But, you must wait. Don’t be anxious. Do not get in a hurry. Don’t look around and fear or envy the things others have received from me. You must keep from looking off or away. Look up to me or you’ll miss the things I want to show you, and then, when you are ready, I’ll give you the desires I have put in your heart, the strength to endure all things, and the courage to risk your heart. You see, until you are ready and the one I have for you is ready… I am working even this minute to have you both ready at the same time… until you are both living to, which you will, however imperfectly, reflect your relationship in me.
First give me time to heal your wounds, console your heartaches, and ease your disappointments. Find me time to erase the painful memories of the past. Give me time to heal you and make you whole and complete in me. I want you to experience real “agape” love- not the selfish, false love of the world. I want you to learn love that is patient and always kind. Love that knows no envy and is never boastful or proud. Love that is never rude or self-seeking. Love that is not easily angered or keeps a record of wrong. Love that does not delight in evil but instead rejoices in truth. The love I want for you, Daughter, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres, never fails. Because this love is of the spirit and not of the flesh, its natural fruit is joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I cannot give this love to you in or even through another except dimly, and then only in a limited capacity- for all will fail and eventually disappoint you. This perfect love, Daughter, can only be found in me.
Let my perfect love flow from you and spill over to all you touch. Be not concerned with yourself; you are my responsibility. I will change you often without you even knowing it. Take your eyes off yourself, look only to me, I lead, I change, I create, but only when you are not striving. You are mine; let me have the joy of making you into my image- only I can do this. Above all else, look to me and me only, never to yourself and never to others. Do not struggle, relax and trust my love. I know what is best and will do it in and through you if you’ll let me. Stop trying to become, and let me transform you from within. I love you Daughter. Will you let my love be enough for you?
I’m waiting… will you wait too? -Jesus

in a different light

he's starting to care. i can only thank one person.

dear jas

God said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor 12.9-10)

i'm not the strongest Christian out there, i know, but i know God's love. because he shows it to me everyday- because i'm lacking in faith. and it's hard to hear things from other people when it's you who's going through this.. but i'm here for you. you don't have to be strong everyday. it's okay to crumble sometimes.. only then can He pick you up.

she'll be okay.

truth hurts

after learning about all these diseases- Diabetes, Hypertension, Atherosclerosis- i can't help but be scared. learning about them makes me realize that their consequences are dire, that they're much bigger than my dad and mom themselves. they're scary. they're silent killers. and yet my parents are living each and every day so nonchalant about their health, so unknowing and oblivious to the facts, to the truth. i tried to explain to them during our car ride back from dinner that they have to start taking care of themselves, that they can no longer go on being so carefree, that these diseases will in fact take control of their lives. but i always get the same response. the same cold silence from my dad and the "i know" from my mom. they don't understand. they don't have a clue about what their bodies are going through. that each day brings them closer to a potential heart attack or stroke. and it scares me so much. a part of me wishes i never learned about the side effects of hypertension or diabetes, but a part of me wants to learn even more so that i can have a chance to take matters into my own hands, because if i don't, who will?

i constantly ask God for the health of my family. because i know that they're wasting away. and i want them to be around when i have children. i want them to see them grow, and i want them to have a big influence and hold a large part in my family's life. it makes me so sad to envision my future without them. everyone around me is losing their loved ones to car accidents, to heart attacks, to suicides. i honestly don't know what i would do without them in my life. i just want to shake my dad to his senses since he's the most stubborn. i want to just say "appa i do this because i love you, not because i want to hurt you. i do it because i care." i know he hates hearing me lecture him.. a 20 year old, his own baby, telling him to exercise and to take medicine. he's supposed to be the strong one he thinks. he's supposed to never be sick or never succumb to his high blood pressure or diabetes. he thinks. but this time his thoughts won't win.

this is such a depressing entry, but i need to take a break and vent.. about stupid diseases. since they won't listen, i know you will.

a happy right now

"At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing.
It turns up when you don’t really expect it.
Its like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be
slightly different than you dreamed.
The castle, well, it may not be a castle.
And it's not so important that it's a happy ever after,
just that it's happy right now.
See once in a while, once in a blue moon,
people will surprise you,
and once in a while people may even
take your breath away."

it's the small things

it truly is the small things that matter. it's the small things that make you realize that there's still so much good left out there in the most unexpected people during the most unexpected moments.


these kinds of things keep me hopeful. these kinds of moments make me happy during times of burden and stress and fear, and even if it's for that little moment, that split second, i'm able to smile and feel warmth in my heart.

:)

flashback

tonight i watched the First Light concert (the first Christian acapella group here at ru). It really made me reminisce about highschool, about choir, about beauty shop ensemble, about bergen county chorus, about just highschool in general. i began to get really sentimental when they sang this one song that my choir would always end each and every concert with: "The Lord Bless You and Keep You". it's a benediction and mrs. nehila would have us line up around the whole auditorium, the sopranos mixed with the altos and the tenors aligned with some basses. i remember i was standing there and it just so happened that i was right in front of my mom and dad who came to watch me sing. it was so emotional, so inspirational, hearing that sound just fill up the room. it was such a great sound, such an amalgam of so many voices blended into one pure, rich sound. those are the moments i miss. i miss the feeling of accomplishment after our concerts, the thrill i felt stepping onto the bleachers, the excitement to put my beauty shop outfit on with nude stockings and the blue choir robe on top. i felt so proud to be in my choir. i don't know. it was just.. a familiarity, a sense of family and home.

beauty shop was another thing i really miss. yeah, i didn't have many friends in it, but i think i went more for the music. i loved the sound we made together. and i loved rehearsals every Tuesday after school. it was more of a hobby than anything for me. like a way of life.. something that i needed to fill me, to make me whole. perhaps i had a void and singing was my way to temporarily fill it.

these days i really miss it. i miss it all. the feeling of pride, the deep inhalation and exhalation i took after the concert finished upon hearing the crowd's applause. the chills, the butterflies i got in my stomach. it was exhilarating. i think i'm missing that sense of exhilaration, that same feeling of home. i want to join an assemble or even a small acapella group. but i think i'm more scared than anything to invest so much time in it. because then what happens to my studies? i think i'm too scared of change. i complain that my life is boring, but i'm too scared to act on my passion, my impulse, and rethink everything-- which ultimately ends up in... nothing.

right now, i'm currently looking up songs i sang during bergen county chorus in 2006. Hope for Resolution is one of my favorites. it brings so many memories back. and even though i was in it alone, i had the best time of my life. i think auditioning for BCC was really a highlight in my highschool career and i'm so glad that i gathered enough courage to try out. it was really a great experience. to think about it, my 4 years of highschool can really be defined by choir, by singing, by performing. i love the arts, i really do. and it's weird how after coming to college, i just stopped. i hope that before i graduate, i get to fulfill this dream of joining a group and restoring that empty void i have now.

a little prayer

Therefore we do not lose heart.

Though outwardly we are wasting away,
yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
For our light and momentary troubles
are achieving for us an eternal glory
that far outweighs them all.
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen,
but on what is unseen.
For what is seen is temporary,
but what is unseen is eternal.
-- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Closer and closer do i come to opening up and not being afraid. I always keep myself closed, keep certain things of my life hidden, certain pieces of the puzzle of myself locked up so that if by chance someone stumbles upon it, she isn't able to piece together who i am and judge me. i'm so afraid of judgment, what others might think of my life, who i am, how i live. i'm so concerned about others, that i never focus on myself. do i love myself? i can't say that i do. it's like im facing some sort of war within different parts of my body; my mind is battling with my heart which is on the side of my conscience. but my mind always seems to win. my stubborn, analytical, paranoid mind. why is it so strong? when will it ever lose and when will my heart cease to be so hard? i have a deep passion for the people i truly care about, but when it comes to being cared for, i always have doubts. i regret a lot from the past, and i'm troubled by a lot of the people i've met. maybe i fear that these people i might get really close to- who may actually know me from head to toe- may not live up to my expectations and ultimately i'll be the one who's hurt in the end yet again. i know it's been said that you should never regret, that you learn from past experiences; that the past actually serves as a light to the future. but some things maybe just don't seem that way to me. who knows, maybe one day in the near near future, i'll learn to believe in this saying.

today my friend opened up to me about some things she's going through. if you're reading this, which i'm sure you will be doing sometime soon, i want to say i'm glad that you shared it with me. it makes me feel like a closer friend with a deeper connection which makes me value everything more. i think i've been lacking this for a long time.. and it feels good to start to feel that way again. so thanks, it really means a lot*

i'll pray. of the times i remember to pray before i sleep, i always ask God for the same things over and over again. I'm sure He's sick of hearing it, but it preoccupies my mind so much and it's like a burden to my heart. my friends' and familys' health and happiness, my family's salvation and for their ability to trust in God and to turn to him and be thankful throughout everything- the good and the bad. it makes me feel like a fool sometimes, saying this, since i know that i myself don't even do it. but i'd like that to change. and i really want my family to change too. but i guess actions speak louder than words, and i have a hard time getting myself to act. but i've been praying about that too. i feel like im mentally constrained. that something is holding me back, like there's some sort of barrier between myself and Him. and i wish that it would go away. i tell God that i believe, that i love Him more than anything. I do fear Him. i do get scared when i fail to be the person i'm expected to be, or when i act so nonchalant about everything. like i think that asking for forgiveness will make everything better. but i know it doesnt' work that way. and it scares me the most- for my family and myself.

i need to find strength. i need to find hope. i need to stop being so scared. I think what i'm scared most of is actually.. Him. I can't even face it and reveal to others why I don't come to church. i'm too ashamed, too embarassed of what i'm doing. but yet i'm such a coward to face my fears and change it. to transform. and when i get a chance, i can't even say my prayer request although i have so much burdening me. instead i crumble in front of everyone. i cry because i'm ashamed. because i feel worthless to His eyes. who am i to ask for prayers? what have i done to deserve that? i guess it all comes down to loving myself and knowing that God loves me too.

to top it off, i've been feeling so hot and cold about some friendships. i don't know.. maybe i'm being selfish, but i'm scared it's starting to reflect on how i act. i don't feel like i have a stable group of people in my life. am i just an acquaintance? do i value people more than they do me?
ugh.. so many problems.. who do i talk to when i'm scared of everyone?

mini break

i can't stand the sight of numbers right now. my brain feels like it's literally melting and the hotness of my room doesnt make this situation any better. its drizzling outside and considering the fact that it's winter and how it was freezing the past couple of days, you'd think it would be cold tonight but wow. it aint. i feel grateful when the wind decides to blow its way through my window hahah i guess the notion never take things for granted applies here huh.

this pharmaceutics calculation final is def kicking my butt. i def. underestimated it wayyy too much. and what do i do the day before the exam? i sleep from 3-6:45, eat dinner that my roommate cooks for her lil sib, chat and chat, and then finally decide to go to the library. what is up with me. maybe christmas is sneaking its way up into my head b/c i can't seem to stop listening to these songs. hehehe :) makes me so happy.


can't wait for christmas time. seeing decorations while driving through towns or the ones in the mall and hearing classic christmas songs is the best part. butttt until then, time to hit those numbers again. see ya!

helllo

wowwwwww. i've never felt more sick of studying than i do now. maybe my mind is tired and refuses to take in any information i try to feed it. my stomach's begging for food though. i wish it were reversed. why oh why.

exam thurs and friday. last day of lab tomorrow morning. this lab was kind of fun (nerd alert!) compared to other labs. maybe it was the company i had. i'm dreaaaading (slow mo there) studying for patho. i mean really really studying for it. no matter how hard i try i can't seem to defeat the odds of.. doing really really badly. i guess i'm just not a pathology person. i'm even dreading this friday's weekly pharmcare quiz. buuttt gotta end with a bang. hahaha

i need to stop going through everyone else's life on blogs and tumblr's and focus on mine. library closes in less than an hour. didn't finish half of what i wanted to accomplish today :(

to end this post i'll share a picture i'm really liking :)



*wish i were her on that beach.

my urge to write

apologies for posting another blog, not that i think anyone really reads this thing anyway. i guess its more for myself- a much needed escape from the things that seem to be overwhelming, no, drowning me. I don't know why these kinds of things happen, but they always do. and they seem to always happen to me. I don't know what i do or what i should do- let's put it that way- to prevent things from becoming like they are now. it's like im living my life in different segments only because i'm aging and i'm forced to grow accustomed to these new things. But no matter what, all of these segments end the same way. the same pattern seems to arise with me and i think it's definitely taking its toll on not only my patience but also my mentality. and then i push everyone away and try to escape to a different place where maybe someone might understand, but nevertheless it all accumulates to this. this is my problem. this is one thing i truly hate about myself. i'm scared to open up. it takes so long for me to find that person or that group of people to whom i can reveal my soul, my entirety to. i've witnessed so much in my past, i've experienced too many bad things that my heart is just sheltered now. it locked itself in a box and i don't even know where to find that key that might unlock it. and what if it does unlock, what kind of condition will it be in?

yeah, i want to change all this. i want to be that person to take risks and chances and dive into situations no matter what the consequences. i want to be that care-free girl who lives in the moment, not analyzing or debating about every single action that may lead to her downfall in the near future. but can i change? isn't this just me? i can change my hair, my style, my friends, but can i change myself- my soul? is it unfortunate that i have to live this way, with this sort of mentality and this constant problem that haunts me everywhere i go? too many questions with no answers whatsoever.

in times like these, who can i turn to? let's rephrase that... who can i trust to guard my heart so it doesn't have to guard itself?

love?

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds: “What does love mean?”

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
_____

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.”
Rebecca - age 8
_____

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.”
Billy - age 4
_____

“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.”
Terri - age 4
_____

“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.”
Danny - age 7
_____

“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.”
Emily - age 8
_____

“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.”
Bobby - age 7
_____

“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.”
Nikka - age 6
_____

“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.”
Noelle - age 7
_____

“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.”
Tommy - age 6
_____

“During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.”
Cindy - age 8
_____

“Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.”
Elaine - age 5
_____

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.”
Chris - age 7
_____

“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.”
Mary Ann - age 4
_____

“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.”
Lauren - age 4
_____

“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.”
Karen - age 7
_____

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.”
Mark - age 6
_____

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.”
Jessica - age 8
_____

And the final one…

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said:
“Nothing. I just helped him cry.”

so.. what is love?

predicament.

lately it's been hard trying to write down and document my thoughts. maybe it's because i haven't been writing very often, or maybe it's because i have nothing to write about. the latter kind of scares me. i mean, when i look at it, i'm still young. i'm 20 and isn't this the part in life when i'm supposed to be wishing it would last forever and that i would never grow older? strange that sometimes i think the opposite.. sometimes i wish that time would fly a little faster than it already does, just a little though, just so that i know my place in life. i wish that although i would grow older and wiser and more knowledgable and possibly more content, that my family would remain young and healthy. maybe this is a wakeup call for me. are the dissatisfactions and disappointments the result of simply just me? is it my mentality, my expectations of so many things or of so many people that keep holding me down? i wonder when i will ever be free of such emotional restraints. it's never physical chains that bind me, but always the psychological ones. but when i do turn, say.. 24, when i'm done with college and am ready to find a job, will i be in the same place- that is, being disappointed with where i am or who i've become? i think that's what i'm most scared of lately. that i will never be content with myself and my position in life. and that i'll constantly be let down just because i overanalyze or misinterpret things. i think that's what i'll focus most on. just trying to live freely without all these emotional attachments everywhere.. but that also means that i'll have to live with my guard up. which is worse? i have yet to find out.

first time for everything, isn't there?

i got my first mean customer at work. it wasn't such a big deal, but at the time, it hit me pretty hard. i mean when i think about it now, it's like whatever, things like this will happen and probably happened a lot with other workers, but when it did happen, i felt like everything was going slow-motion and i could feel the blood rushing to my face. i knew i was getting red and i felt really embarrassed. surprisingly, i maintained my composure and managed NOT to have a meltdown. for that, i give myself a pat on the back. the whole thing was all caused by one tiny cvs card that i scanned, when she didn't want me to. i mean, come on, it's company policy to scan that thing. what she thought i was doing? i have no clue. apparently she accused me of "tracking" her prescription. ohhh wells. it's over. time to grow up and get over it and realize that these kind of things will happen a million more times. usually i'd cry and get all emotional afterwards, but i didn't. maybe my heart's getting a little tougher, a little colder. woohooo. is that a good thing? who knows.

when i was coming home the sky was so pretty. it was this light blue with dark blue and pink clouds. it kind of looked like a painting. there's this lake i pass when i come home, and its surface reflected the sky and its exact colors. it was like seeing double. it relaxed me a bit. too bad i couldn't take picture ;( i was really craving some coffee, so i stopped by dd's on my way home and picked up a med. toasted almond coffee and a cinnamon toasted bagel with cream cheese :) it was yummy. and arthur recognized me! hehe it was cute. alrighttttty time to relax a bit.. tomorrow's fourth of july already? where does time go? wouldn't it be cool if we could store time in a little jar and then let some go when we really needed it? yeaaaaa. in my wildest dreams. until i blog again! gbye

so it begins.

saturday was my first day of work. it's not too far, very close actually. only 6-7 minutes away in pearl river. hmmm.. let me say my first day was interesting. i made a whole bunch of mistakes, not to mention my various speech impediments that carried on into sunday when i pronounced cvs as "cay vay s" in some sort of western accent that i never knew i had. to top it off, i'm preeeeetty sure my coworker heard me. then came all sorts of problems with the cigarette counter that i'm horrible at. i can't seem to find the cigarettes whenever a customer comes in and asks for it real fast- like i'm supposed to just grab it off the shelf. last time i checked, i'm not a smoker, so i wouldn't know. so far, i've got down the locations of just a few - the marlboro lights, the marlboro red, the virginia slims, the newports, and the parliaments. beyond that.. i don't know. if i could, i would tell my customers not to come to my register if they're planning to buy cigs. oh well. did i mention i put this man's change into the bag only to realize that hey! i'm not supposed to do that! i then struggled to find the pennies that fell to the bottom of the bag, all while turning bright red and probably making a very constipated face. i'm sorry mr.. then there are those grumpy customers who half the time are on their cell phones yelling at the top of their lungs at a very unlucky person on the other end. these people manage to slip the name of the cigarettes they want in the middle of their phone conversation, then expect you to hear and gracefully get it for them without interrupting their convo. i think we all know that didn't happen to me. ohhhhhh i hope days get better. just one more training shift and then i should be off to the rx. goodbye cigarette counter and chain smokers! hello grumpy, sick and possibly contagious people.

recollect & remember

so i've been looking at houses these past few days. i think i picked up what's supposed to be my mom's job since she's too busy working and just doesn't know where to begin to look. so i've taken it under my reigns. now it's up to me to find us a perfect house and leave behind this one. i've been looking around paramus, since the property tax over there is supposed to be not that bad - compared to old tappan, that is, since as of now we are paying 15,000 in taxes alone! no wonder my mom wants to get out of here so badly. i wonder, though, what made her move here in the first place. now a days i'm getting accustomed to my home.. the window seat where i sit almost half the day with my laptop propped up on the leather sofa, which i've made into my own personal little table, the black marble table top where my family eats instead of the dining room which offers more than enough space for all 5 of us, the stairs that creak oh so loudly when i am trying to tip toe back into my room after coming home too late for my mom's approval, the french doors that remind me of my trip to paris, and my own yellow room with its big windows and patterned curtains that i love so much. i think if the day ever comes that i move from this little townhouse, i will be a little sad. i know i haven't spent a lot of time here just because of college and all, but hey, i did move to this place in freshman year of highschool. funny thing is, i don't really remember a lot of my highschool memories in this house. i can't remember where i studied most of my nights or which room i was in the most. only a few memories remain clear amidst all the other jumbled thoughts i seem to have but those i will not discuss here.. let's say i'd rather keep it private since.. some things are better left for only you to know, do you not agree? and then there are objects that seem to remind me of my former days in highschool- the old computer that's sitting on the mini pink computer desk in the corner of my room, along with the mouse pad of a white puppy. with the exception of those two objects, it seems as if i've lost all access to the part of my brain where the memories of my past are stored. where did they go? is it already that i'm losing track of time, of what has already happened? why can i only remember the more recent days- the days of studying organic chemistry in my dorm room or ocasionally in the dining room of my house, or the way my dorm room looked, or even the food that the dining hall served? why is it that the memories of my own home are no longer lucid to my very own eyes? maybe it's a sign that i should be documenting every little thing in this blog. just so when the day comes that i look back and try to stir up my thoughts and remember.. that i can just turn to this and everything that i want to remember will come flooding back. i think one of my greatest fears in life is forgetting- that is losing those once precious moments and never being able to bring them back. after discovering that my grandmother had Alzheimers, i think i've been living in fear that one day, like my grandmother, i will too begin to forget. what happens if i don't remember my mom or my dad or my sister and how they look like? what happens if i can't picture the beauty marks on my mom's face, the way her nose crinkles when she laughs, the deliberate, obnoxious chuckle she makes when only she thinks something is funny, or my dad's stubble when he hasn't shaved, or how one of his eyes is bigger than the other and how they droop, or my sister's awkward smile when she's trying to make me laugh, or the look on her face when she is worried and trying to ask me for advice. where do all these memories go when you can no longer remember them? will that day come where i won't be able to recognize my own roots, where i came from? i think from now on, i should really try to blog what's important to me or the things that are occuring that i find significant to this very day. because i don't ever want to have to dive deep into my brain to try to fetch my past and attempt to assemble them like one big puzzle. no, i don't want to do that. i just want to remember.

in 5, 6, or 7 years..

ughh. so strangely one of the first episodes of himym that i've ever watched got me thinking. what will i be doing in 5, 6, or hey, even 7 years? i know i think about it a lot, but lately it's been hitting me.. i'm gonna be 26 in six years. and in four years, i'll be graduated with a pharm. D (hopefully let's cross fingers and knock on wood and pray) and frantically trying to search for a job- if this bad economic pattern holds up till then. where the heck does the future husband come in? where do i meet him? do i happen to haphazardly bump into him on the streets of who knows where while going to my job? am i even supposed to look for him? ughh! all my life i've always waited for the guy. yeah yeah i know i would go through some boy-crazed phases trying to spot out the cuties on the streets/class ;] but i don't think i'd ever seriously pursue that relationship, you know, with me steering the ship. maybe it's become a habit that i wait for the person to find me.. maybe one day i got so tired of looking because maybe everything that i ever wanted disappeared, vanished with the new pretty girl in school or with a language barrier or with just the wrong puzzle piece. maybe what i really wanted didn't fit, couldn't fit no matter how many ways i placed the piece or how many different ways i looked at it. i guess that's where my lack of motivation to find the "one" comes from. but then again, doesn't God have a plan for us all? aren't our futures all mapped out because He's already predestined it? everything is meant to be, right? so maybe i am right in not looking. maybe looking just exhausts me and even further makes me lose hope. but what if time runs out? when i'm 25, or 26, or 27- 5, or 6, or even 7 years from now, what will i be doing? who will i have? will it be the way i've always envisioned my life? it's scary to think that that time will come soon. i always say that highschool passed by in a blink of an eye and so will the rest of college. yes, exactly- four more years. what's worse.. it'll pass by faster since the workload will increase (and the stress may i add). i always manage to lose track of time when i have a lot to do and days just fly by preparing for and dreading that exam date. not to mention the month long break that ends first semester and starts the second. i wonder if i'll even get to the point where i can say, hey i'm a pharmacist. will that day even come? i know i'm motivated, but sometimes i break too easily. taking that turn, where will my life end up then? there's all these different paths, windy roads, scary and challenging routes versus easy and short ones. i hate to admit that i'm afraid of the long, scary ones and that if i had a choice, i'd rather take the shorter paths. but then i know that i wouldn't exactly get the things i want or end up in the place that i want to be. it's a matter of choice, and i hope when the time comes, i make the right one. i need to learn how to live. have fun and let go while i can. it's okay to let go sometimes. (that reminds me, i really like the song let go by frou frou). i have to stop living with such restraints and limits and thoughts of consequences that may happen if i do this or that. i mean it's a safe way to live, but it's also excruciatingly exhausting for myself. where did my sense of freedom, youth, vigor go? i just hope that i'll be able to live the way i want- do and think things that make me happy- all the way to age... infinity. infinity, since the word in itself means no limits. funny how a t.v. show can get you thinking, ain't it?

cheers: to the first entry and not the last

this is the first entry that hopefully in the weeks to come will be buried in the many pages of this blogger. but who knows. there's no guarantee, sorry blogspot. i always manage to lose track of the days and more importantly what i should be documenting in my life. i wish i could just like write down everything that happens so that one day when i think back and can't remember, i can turn to this. hopefully that will happen.

summerrrrr oh how you are so wet and rainy! why can't it be sunny and warm for a change? i think the world is behind two months. this is april weather. you know, april showers bring may flowers? so will next month bloom and bear green plants and pink blossoms? and then when does summer come? i say october, when it's supposed to be chilly for halloween. my mom says that the chinese calendar has two mays and supposedly we're in the second may right now. so next month.. june? all too confusing for me, i'd rather stick with my theory ;]

father's day. this year june 21st. it was okay. didn't eat out for dinner with my family for a while so in that sense i guess it was refreshing. the food.. not so much. olive garden will not be my first choice next time. but i'm glad i got to write all the things i've been meaning to say to my dad in his card. it seems like there's so many barriers and walls between my parents and me-- a wall high enough to keep my thoughts on one side while my parents stand on the other. but occasions like father's day or mother's day and their birthdays give me that one opportunity to write down and actually tell them what i feel. it's nice. i just wish that wasn't my only alternative.

alright, i think i'm gonna take a break from all this typing. my wrists have been killing me. maybe it's my awkward position on my fav place. not so smart. till i blog again, toodaloo!