so it begins.

saturday was my first day of work. it's not too far, very close actually. only 6-7 minutes away in pearl river. hmmm.. let me say my first day was interesting. i made a whole bunch of mistakes, not to mention my various speech impediments that carried on into sunday when i pronounced cvs as "cay vay s" in some sort of western accent that i never knew i had. to top it off, i'm preeeeetty sure my coworker heard me. then came all sorts of problems with the cigarette counter that i'm horrible at. i can't seem to find the cigarettes whenever a customer comes in and asks for it real fast- like i'm supposed to just grab it off the shelf. last time i checked, i'm not a smoker, so i wouldn't know. so far, i've got down the locations of just a few - the marlboro lights, the marlboro red, the virginia slims, the newports, and the parliaments. beyond that.. i don't know. if i could, i would tell my customers not to come to my register if they're planning to buy cigs. oh well. did i mention i put this man's change into the bag only to realize that hey! i'm not supposed to do that! i then struggled to find the pennies that fell to the bottom of the bag, all while turning bright red and probably making a very constipated face. i'm sorry mr.. then there are those grumpy customers who half the time are on their cell phones yelling at the top of their lungs at a very unlucky person on the other end. these people manage to slip the name of the cigarettes they want in the middle of their phone conversation, then expect you to hear and gracefully get it for them without interrupting their convo. i think we all know that didn't happen to me. ohhhhhh i hope days get better. just one more training shift and then i should be off to the rx. goodbye cigarette counter and chain smokers! hello grumpy, sick and possibly contagious people.

recollect & remember

so i've been looking at houses these past few days. i think i picked up what's supposed to be my mom's job since she's too busy working and just doesn't know where to begin to look. so i've taken it under my reigns. now it's up to me to find us a perfect house and leave behind this one. i've been looking around paramus, since the property tax over there is supposed to be not that bad - compared to old tappan, that is, since as of now we are paying 15,000 in taxes alone! no wonder my mom wants to get out of here so badly. i wonder, though, what made her move here in the first place. now a days i'm getting accustomed to my home.. the window seat where i sit almost half the day with my laptop propped up on the leather sofa, which i've made into my own personal little table, the black marble table top where my family eats instead of the dining room which offers more than enough space for all 5 of us, the stairs that creak oh so loudly when i am trying to tip toe back into my room after coming home too late for my mom's approval, the french doors that remind me of my trip to paris, and my own yellow room with its big windows and patterned curtains that i love so much. i think if the day ever comes that i move from this little townhouse, i will be a little sad. i know i haven't spent a lot of time here just because of college and all, but hey, i did move to this place in freshman year of highschool. funny thing is, i don't really remember a lot of my highschool memories in this house. i can't remember where i studied most of my nights or which room i was in the most. only a few memories remain clear amidst all the other jumbled thoughts i seem to have but those i will not discuss here.. let's say i'd rather keep it private since.. some things are better left for only you to know, do you not agree? and then there are objects that seem to remind me of my former days in highschool- the old computer that's sitting on the mini pink computer desk in the corner of my room, along with the mouse pad of a white puppy. with the exception of those two objects, it seems as if i've lost all access to the part of my brain where the memories of my past are stored. where did they go? is it already that i'm losing track of time, of what has already happened? why can i only remember the more recent days- the days of studying organic chemistry in my dorm room or ocasionally in the dining room of my house, or the way my dorm room looked, or even the food that the dining hall served? why is it that the memories of my own home are no longer lucid to my very own eyes? maybe it's a sign that i should be documenting every little thing in this blog. just so when the day comes that i look back and try to stir up my thoughts and remember.. that i can just turn to this and everything that i want to remember will come flooding back. i think one of my greatest fears in life is forgetting- that is losing those once precious moments and never being able to bring them back. after discovering that my grandmother had Alzheimers, i think i've been living in fear that one day, like my grandmother, i will too begin to forget. what happens if i don't remember my mom or my dad or my sister and how they look like? what happens if i can't picture the beauty marks on my mom's face, the way her nose crinkles when she laughs, the deliberate, obnoxious chuckle she makes when only she thinks something is funny, or my dad's stubble when he hasn't shaved, or how one of his eyes is bigger than the other and how they droop, or my sister's awkward smile when she's trying to make me laugh, or the look on her face when she is worried and trying to ask me for advice. where do all these memories go when you can no longer remember them? will that day come where i won't be able to recognize my own roots, where i came from? i think from now on, i should really try to blog what's important to me or the things that are occuring that i find significant to this very day. because i don't ever want to have to dive deep into my brain to try to fetch my past and attempt to assemble them like one big puzzle. no, i don't want to do that. i just want to remember.

in 5, 6, or 7 years..

ughh. so strangely one of the first episodes of himym that i've ever watched got me thinking. what will i be doing in 5, 6, or hey, even 7 years? i know i think about it a lot, but lately it's been hitting me.. i'm gonna be 26 in six years. and in four years, i'll be graduated with a pharm. D (hopefully let's cross fingers and knock on wood and pray) and frantically trying to search for a job- if this bad economic pattern holds up till then. where the heck does the future husband come in? where do i meet him? do i happen to haphazardly bump into him on the streets of who knows where while going to my job? am i even supposed to look for him? ughh! all my life i've always waited for the guy. yeah yeah i know i would go through some boy-crazed phases trying to spot out the cuties on the streets/class ;] but i don't think i'd ever seriously pursue that relationship, you know, with me steering the ship. maybe it's become a habit that i wait for the person to find me.. maybe one day i got so tired of looking because maybe everything that i ever wanted disappeared, vanished with the new pretty girl in school or with a language barrier or with just the wrong puzzle piece. maybe what i really wanted didn't fit, couldn't fit no matter how many ways i placed the piece or how many different ways i looked at it. i guess that's where my lack of motivation to find the "one" comes from. but then again, doesn't God have a plan for us all? aren't our futures all mapped out because He's already predestined it? everything is meant to be, right? so maybe i am right in not looking. maybe looking just exhausts me and even further makes me lose hope. but what if time runs out? when i'm 25, or 26, or 27- 5, or 6, or even 7 years from now, what will i be doing? who will i have? will it be the way i've always envisioned my life? it's scary to think that that time will come soon. i always say that highschool passed by in a blink of an eye and so will the rest of college. yes, exactly- four more years. what's worse.. it'll pass by faster since the workload will increase (and the stress may i add). i always manage to lose track of time when i have a lot to do and days just fly by preparing for and dreading that exam date. not to mention the month long break that ends first semester and starts the second. i wonder if i'll even get to the point where i can say, hey i'm a pharmacist. will that day even come? i know i'm motivated, but sometimes i break too easily. taking that turn, where will my life end up then? there's all these different paths, windy roads, scary and challenging routes versus easy and short ones. i hate to admit that i'm afraid of the long, scary ones and that if i had a choice, i'd rather take the shorter paths. but then i know that i wouldn't exactly get the things i want or end up in the place that i want to be. it's a matter of choice, and i hope when the time comes, i make the right one. i need to learn how to live. have fun and let go while i can. it's okay to let go sometimes. (that reminds me, i really like the song let go by frou frou). i have to stop living with such restraints and limits and thoughts of consequences that may happen if i do this or that. i mean it's a safe way to live, but it's also excruciatingly exhausting for myself. where did my sense of freedom, youth, vigor go? i just hope that i'll be able to live the way i want- do and think things that make me happy- all the way to age... infinity. infinity, since the word in itself means no limits. funny how a t.v. show can get you thinking, ain't it?

cheers: to the first entry and not the last

this is the first entry that hopefully in the weeks to come will be buried in the many pages of this blogger. but who knows. there's no guarantee, sorry blogspot. i always manage to lose track of the days and more importantly what i should be documenting in my life. i wish i could just like write down everything that happens so that one day when i think back and can't remember, i can turn to this. hopefully that will happen.

summerrrrr oh how you are so wet and rainy! why can't it be sunny and warm for a change? i think the world is behind two months. this is april weather. you know, april showers bring may flowers? so will next month bloom and bear green plants and pink blossoms? and then when does summer come? i say october, when it's supposed to be chilly for halloween. my mom says that the chinese calendar has two mays and supposedly we're in the second may right now. so next month.. june? all too confusing for me, i'd rather stick with my theory ;]

father's day. this year june 21st. it was okay. didn't eat out for dinner with my family for a while so in that sense i guess it was refreshing. the food.. not so much. olive garden will not be my first choice next time. but i'm glad i got to write all the things i've been meaning to say to my dad in his card. it seems like there's so many barriers and walls between my parents and me-- a wall high enough to keep my thoughts on one side while my parents stand on the other. but occasions like father's day or mother's day and their birthdays give me that one opportunity to write down and actually tell them what i feel. it's nice. i just wish that wasn't my only alternative.

alright, i think i'm gonna take a break from all this typing. my wrists have been killing me. maybe it's my awkward position on my fav place. not so smart. till i blog again, toodaloo!