flashback

tonight i watched the First Light concert (the first Christian acapella group here at ru). It really made me reminisce about highschool, about choir, about beauty shop ensemble, about bergen county chorus, about just highschool in general. i began to get really sentimental when they sang this one song that my choir would always end each and every concert with: "The Lord Bless You and Keep You". it's a benediction and mrs. nehila would have us line up around the whole auditorium, the sopranos mixed with the altos and the tenors aligned with some basses. i remember i was standing there and it just so happened that i was right in front of my mom and dad who came to watch me sing. it was so emotional, so inspirational, hearing that sound just fill up the room. it was such a great sound, such an amalgam of so many voices blended into one pure, rich sound. those are the moments i miss. i miss the feeling of accomplishment after our concerts, the thrill i felt stepping onto the bleachers, the excitement to put my beauty shop outfit on with nude stockings and the blue choir robe on top. i felt so proud to be in my choir. i don't know. it was just.. a familiarity, a sense of family and home.

beauty shop was another thing i really miss. yeah, i didn't have many friends in it, but i think i went more for the music. i loved the sound we made together. and i loved rehearsals every Tuesday after school. it was more of a hobby than anything for me. like a way of life.. something that i needed to fill me, to make me whole. perhaps i had a void and singing was my way to temporarily fill it.

these days i really miss it. i miss it all. the feeling of pride, the deep inhalation and exhalation i took after the concert finished upon hearing the crowd's applause. the chills, the butterflies i got in my stomach. it was exhilarating. i think i'm missing that sense of exhilaration, that same feeling of home. i want to join an assemble or even a small acapella group. but i think i'm more scared than anything to invest so much time in it. because then what happens to my studies? i think i'm too scared of change. i complain that my life is boring, but i'm too scared to act on my passion, my impulse, and rethink everything-- which ultimately ends up in... nothing.

right now, i'm currently looking up songs i sang during bergen county chorus in 2006. Hope for Resolution is one of my favorites. it brings so many memories back. and even though i was in it alone, i had the best time of my life. i think auditioning for BCC was really a highlight in my highschool career and i'm so glad that i gathered enough courage to try out. it was really a great experience. to think about it, my 4 years of highschool can really be defined by choir, by singing, by performing. i love the arts, i really do. and it's weird how after coming to college, i just stopped. i hope that before i graduate, i get to fulfill this dream of joining a group and restoring that empty void i have now.