predicament.

lately it's been hard trying to write down and document my thoughts. maybe it's because i haven't been writing very often, or maybe it's because i have nothing to write about. the latter kind of scares me. i mean, when i look at it, i'm still young. i'm 20 and isn't this the part in life when i'm supposed to be wishing it would last forever and that i would never grow older? strange that sometimes i think the opposite.. sometimes i wish that time would fly a little faster than it already does, just a little though, just so that i know my place in life. i wish that although i would grow older and wiser and more knowledgable and possibly more content, that my family would remain young and healthy. maybe this is a wakeup call for me. are the dissatisfactions and disappointments the result of simply just me? is it my mentality, my expectations of so many things or of so many people that keep holding me down? i wonder when i will ever be free of such emotional restraints. it's never physical chains that bind me, but always the psychological ones. but when i do turn, say.. 24, when i'm done with college and am ready to find a job, will i be in the same place- that is, being disappointed with where i am or who i've become? i think that's what i'm most scared of lately. that i will never be content with myself and my position in life. and that i'll constantly be let down just because i overanalyze or misinterpret things. i think that's what i'll focus most on. just trying to live freely without all these emotional attachments everywhere.. but that also means that i'll have to live with my guard up. which is worse? i have yet to find out.

first time for everything, isn't there?

i got my first mean customer at work. it wasn't such a big deal, but at the time, it hit me pretty hard. i mean when i think about it now, it's like whatever, things like this will happen and probably happened a lot with other workers, but when it did happen, i felt like everything was going slow-motion and i could feel the blood rushing to my face. i knew i was getting red and i felt really embarrassed. surprisingly, i maintained my composure and managed NOT to have a meltdown. for that, i give myself a pat on the back. the whole thing was all caused by one tiny cvs card that i scanned, when she didn't want me to. i mean, come on, it's company policy to scan that thing. what she thought i was doing? i have no clue. apparently she accused me of "tracking" her prescription. ohhh wells. it's over. time to grow up and get over it and realize that these kind of things will happen a million more times. usually i'd cry and get all emotional afterwards, but i didn't. maybe my heart's getting a little tougher, a little colder. woohooo. is that a good thing? who knows.

when i was coming home the sky was so pretty. it was this light blue with dark blue and pink clouds. it kind of looked like a painting. there's this lake i pass when i come home, and its surface reflected the sky and its exact colors. it was like seeing double. it relaxed me a bit. too bad i couldn't take picture ;( i was really craving some coffee, so i stopped by dd's on my way home and picked up a med. toasted almond coffee and a cinnamon toasted bagel with cream cheese :) it was yummy. and arthur recognized me! hehe it was cute. alrighttttty time to relax a bit.. tomorrow's fourth of july already? where does time go? wouldn't it be cool if we could store time in a little jar and then let some go when we really needed it? yeaaaaa. in my wildest dreams. until i blog again! gbye