Vision 2010.

Blessed.

no other words can describe the feeling i have. no smile, no laughter, no tear can compare to my experience at Vision, to the messages i've learned. i've been a witness to God's love, to a living testimony and nothing could ever replace that- no exciting weekend at home, no vacation, nothing.

when i think about my actions and the reasons i had to keep myself from going, i feel so stupid and ashamed. what could be better than God? what else is there to look forward to than Him? What do i want more than to seek His face? To let my own uncomfort or my own wordly likings get in the way of finding God really disappoints me. and when i think about that, i realize that maybe i'm still so far away from where i want to me.. than i may not like where i am afterall.. because apparently i do stray and i do slip back to my past mentality. i know i'm only human and i know i've only just started to come to God.. but i would die to see myself back where i was. and sometimes it's so easy to go back. sleep, time, school, food, family, friends, the world itself is such a distraction, sometimes my own worst enemy. and to think that i have to constantly put up a battle and be on my guard for God overwhelms me. but the truth of the matter is i long to do it. i have this deep fervor for God and maybe that's why i cry so much when i talk to Him. or maybe my sinful heart just longs for forgiveness and its so dirty that it comes out through my tears. either way, i don't want to stay this way. and i know for sure that that is truth.

Like Dr. John Kim, i want to have a vision. or in his case, multiple visions. he's so Blessed in so many ways imaginable. it's so encouraging and simply amazing to see God's child, 77 years old, who still has Christ's love burning in his heart, or "His blood pumping through my heart" as he put it. it's just truly amazing. and wow.. i want to become a living testimony like that. and it will be so hard to face SO many obstacles along the way, to lose SO many things like Dr. Kim did.. but in the end you're gaining the one thing that matters in this life.. God's love. it's a scary thought to imagine my life flashing by my eyes.. to think of the battles i may have to face because i have declared that i want to be what God created me to be. but anything is better than having to waste my life trying to seek Him and failing because of my mere selfishness and stupidity. because then what is life?

so God, i pray that You would reveal Your own vision for me. so i can be so much more than what i am now.. so i can do so many more things than i am doing now. so that i can see bigger and better things to which i am blind to and so that i may one day see You.

preparing myself..

so in a few hours i'll be at the GCC Vision retreat in Princeton.. and i'm a little nervous but excited. i think the nerves have calmed down def. a lot since the beginning of the week when i started to contemplate whether or not i should go.. and now the time is here! hopefully i stay focused, my heart stays soft and open, and my eyes stay set on the sight of Him. and knowing God has heard my prayers, i know i won't be distracted by little things. most of all, i hope i grow in Him, closer than i've ever imagined or ever wished. but more than that, i hope i maintain that love- something that's not ephemeral, but something that stays with me.

ahhhh we'll see! see you saturday night!

a new place.. a great one

i really like where i am. i like where i stand, i like the way i feel, i like the way i love. i enjoy raising my hands in the air knowing that He's so close, knowing that i might be able to get that much closer. I like how i feel comforted when i close my eyes to sleep knowing that He has listened to my prayers. I like how i cry, because crying although embarrassing, shows that I do really care, that i may in fact have genuine feelings. And i fear for those people who are indifferent but most of all i fear for myself-- that maybe one day i might slip, i might stray off the path i'm supposed to be on and land on a deserted stretch of land that no body dares to go.

I feel myself caught in a dilemma and i dislike the feeling. i don't like it at all. this year's GCC retreat is coming up this weekend, and i'm stuck here debating whether or not i should attend. i was struggling for hours, thinking about the pro's and con's, basically analyzing- the thing i do best. but i think i've made my decision. and i realize if i had just listened to my heart rather than channeling all the pressures from my peers and expectations that i feel i'm supposed to live up to, i would have got to my answer fairly quickly. so here it is: i won't go. the reason is pretty simple yet so complex. so i listed the things that i like and a few that i don't like. here's the things that i want.

i want to grow more and more in Him. I want to experience all the joys and all the rewards there are in living, breathing His words and His visions. I want to know my place in the world. i want to serve, do something better with my life. but all these things i want i feel take time. and that's what i need.. i need time to grow, time for my heart to become soft and more loving. faith doesn't blossom overnight. it takes a long time for someone to trust, to believe 100% that God will provide for every little thing. it's a long road before sacrificing your all to serve. and by that i mean sacrificing materialistic things, things that you may not need but that you want. things that are better for others and not for yourself. i know this is true, and for some who don't choose to believe that it is in fact hard, they may not be as humble as they should be. and for these reasons, for the mere fact that it takes time to grow and blossom, i choose to grow in my own time so that i may feel comfortable. i don't want to feel uncomfortable at this retreat- maybe because i don't know as many people, maybe because i don't feel apart of the church community yet. i mean, i barely went and i definitely wasn't considered a regular church-goer. i don't want to feel pressured nor envy others' relationship with God. i don't want my own uncomfort to hinder me from focusing my attention on Him. Recall from my previous blog an excerpt:

"Daughter. I will never leave you or forsake you. But, you must wait. Don’t be anxious. Do not get in a hurry. Don’t look around and fear or envy the things others have received from me. You must keep from looking off or away."

And like those very words, i won't look around and i won't fear. i like the place i'm in, the feelings that i have. and if it feels so good, i must be doing something right... right? maybe it's not the time for my first retreat.. maybe my heart has to be in it 100% before going. maybe it just takes time. but i know He won't leave me, so i have nothing to fear. my heart is finally at rest :)