My Dearest Daughter, I see your loneliness and fear. I know your hurt and your heartaches. In a special bottle I am storing each and every one of your tears. I see you searching for love, for happiness, for fulfillment. As much as I hate to see your pain, as much as it grieves me to see you struggle, all this must be, in order for you to totally and completely come to the end of your own understanding: only then can you fully hear my voice.
Listen very carefully. Amidst the noise of the world, I’m calling. My voice is in the midst of your worst fears tenderly beseeching you to trust me, in the pain of your loneliness. If you hold real still, you can feel my arms encircling you and hear my soothing words of comfort. Yes, that still, small voice within you is mine. Yes, that gentle touch is me. Give me your pain- yes, all of it, and I will give you my peace. Give me your sorrow and I will give you joy unspeakable. I cherish you, Daughter. I shed my blood so that you could be clean. I want you for my companion, my bride, to love and cherish now and throughout eternity and I plan to dress you in the most beautiful of white garments. As you live out the joy and experience the wonder of being my bride, I will be your gentle tutor conforming you to my image.
I must begin by teaching you how to serve and live in submission to me. Let me convince you of your great value so that you may be able to fully share the love I have given you with the one you someday choose to bring to me as your earthly husband. Then, and only then, will you be the kind of wife I would choose for him. Give yourself completely to me. I want you to deny me nothing. I will not hurt you. I will not disappoint you. You can trust me- completely. I keep my promises. Do not be overly critical of yourself or become depressed because you are not perfect in your own eyes. It saddens me greatly to hear you criticize and devalue the one I love so much. Daughter, in me, you are complete and lacking in nothing. What right do you have to criticize the one I treasure? On what grounds do you find fault with what I have so fearfully and wonderfully made? Why do you call what I deem beautiful- ugly? Why do you believe that that one I love enough to die for is not good enough? Daughter, I want you to know who you are in me. I mean who you really are in me- completely loved and totally forgiven. I want you to trust me one step, one day, one second at a time. Dwell in My power and My love and be all that you are in me, in My strength, and in My power.
Do not fear what might happen or what the future may bring because my grace is sufficient and I will take care of you. Daughter, I know that you long to give yourself to someone, to have a deep relationship with him, and to be loved thoroughly and exclusively by him. But I must say no. Not until my love is enough. Not until you can see yourself truly complete in me. I love you, my child. Until you discover that your joy and satisfaction can be found in me alone, you will not be capable of handling the problems and disappointments that are part of every relationship. You can never be truly united with another in the way your heart desires, only I can fill that emptiness, only I can supply that need, only I can love you enough. You must be united with me, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings before you will have the strength to endure the many heart-aches and, yes, even soul-aches of even a seemingly perfect human relationship. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you my faithfulness, my gentleness, and my self-control. Then, you will need no other.
Daughter, I want you to allow me to be enough. You must keep your eyes on me, expecting the greatest and the best things from me. Keep experiencing the satisfaction of knowing that I am and that you are my child. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you. Stay close by my side. Seek my face in the morning, my presence throughout the day, and my comfort at night. I am always there, Daughter. I will never leave you or forsake you. But, you must wait. Don’t be anxious. Do not get in a hurry. Don’t look around and fear or envy the things others have received from me. You must keep from looking off or away. Look up to me or you’ll miss the things I want to show you, and then, when you are ready, I’ll give you the desires I have put in your heart, the strength to endure all things, and the courage to risk your heart. You see, until you are ready and the one I have for you is ready… I am working even this minute to have you both ready at the same time… until you are both living to, which you will, however imperfectly, reflect your relationship in me.
First give me time to heal your wounds, console your heartaches, and ease your disappointments. Find me time to erase the painful memories of the past. Give me time to heal you and make you whole and complete in me. I want you to experience real “agape” love- not the selfish, false love of the world. I want you to learn love that is patient and always kind. Love that knows no envy and is never boastful or proud. Love that is never rude or self-seeking. Love that is not easily angered or keeps a record of wrong. Love that does not delight in evil but instead rejoices in truth. The love I want for you, Daughter, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres, never fails. Because this love is of the spirit and not of the flesh, its natural fruit is joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I cannot give this love to you in or even through another except dimly, and then only in a limited capacity- for all will fail and eventually disappoint you. This perfect love, Daughter, can only be found in me.
Let my perfect love flow from you and spill over to all you touch. Be not concerned with yourself; you are my responsibility. I will change you often without you even knowing it. Take your eyes off yourself, look only to me, I lead, I change, I create, but only when you are not striving. You are mine; let me have the joy of making you into my image- only I can do this. Above all else, look to me and me only, never to yourself and never to others. Do not struggle, relax and trust my love. I know what is best and will do it in and through you if you’ll let me. Stop trying to become, and let me transform you from within. I love you Daughter. Will you let my love be enough for you?
I’m waiting… will you wait too? -Jesus
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
dear jas
God said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor 12.9-10)
i'm not the strongest Christian out there, i know, but i know God's love. because he shows it to me everyday- because i'm lacking in faith. and it's hard to hear things from other people when it's you who's going through this.. but i'm here for you. you don't have to be strong everyday. it's okay to crumble sometimes.. only then can He pick you up.
she'll be okay.
That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor 12.9-10)
i'm not the strongest Christian out there, i know, but i know God's love. because he shows it to me everyday- because i'm lacking in faith. and it's hard to hear things from other people when it's you who's going through this.. but i'm here for you. you don't have to be strong everyday. it's okay to crumble sometimes.. only then can He pick you up.
she'll be okay.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
truth hurts
after learning about all these diseases- Diabetes, Hypertension, Atherosclerosis- i can't help but be scared. learning about them makes me realize that their consequences are dire, that they're much bigger than my dad and mom themselves. they're scary. they're silent killers. and yet my parents are living each and every day so nonchalant about their health, so unknowing and oblivious to the facts, to the truth. i tried to explain to them during our car ride back from dinner that they have to start taking care of themselves, that they can no longer go on being so carefree, that these diseases will in fact take control of their lives. but i always get the same response. the same cold silence from my dad and the "i know" from my mom. they don't understand. they don't have a clue about what their bodies are going through. that each day brings them closer to a potential heart attack or stroke. and it scares me so much. a part of me wishes i never learned about the side effects of hypertension or diabetes, but a part of me wants to learn even more so that i can have a chance to take matters into my own hands, because if i don't, who will?
i constantly ask God for the health of my family. because i know that they're wasting away. and i want them to be around when i have children. i want them to see them grow, and i want them to have a big influence and hold a large part in my family's life. it makes me so sad to envision my future without them. everyone around me is losing their loved ones to car accidents, to heart attacks, to suicides. i honestly don't know what i would do without them in my life. i just want to shake my dad to his senses since he's the most stubborn. i want to just say "appa i do this because i love you, not because i want to hurt you. i do it because i care." i know he hates hearing me lecture him.. a 20 year old, his own baby, telling him to exercise and to take medicine. he's supposed to be the strong one he thinks. he's supposed to never be sick or never succumb to his high blood pressure or diabetes. he thinks. but this time his thoughts won't win.
this is such a depressing entry, but i need to take a break and vent.. about stupid diseases. since they won't listen, i know you will.
i constantly ask God for the health of my family. because i know that they're wasting away. and i want them to be around when i have children. i want them to see them grow, and i want them to have a big influence and hold a large part in my family's life. it makes me so sad to envision my future without them. everyone around me is losing their loved ones to car accidents, to heart attacks, to suicides. i honestly don't know what i would do without them in my life. i just want to shake my dad to his senses since he's the most stubborn. i want to just say "appa i do this because i love you, not because i want to hurt you. i do it because i care." i know he hates hearing me lecture him.. a 20 year old, his own baby, telling him to exercise and to take medicine. he's supposed to be the strong one he thinks. he's supposed to never be sick or never succumb to his high blood pressure or diabetes. he thinks. but this time his thoughts won't win.
this is such a depressing entry, but i need to take a break and vent.. about stupid diseases. since they won't listen, i know you will.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
a happy right now
"At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing.
It turns up when you don’t really expect it.
Its like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be
slightly different than you dreamed.
The castle, well, it may not be a castle.
And it's not so important that it's a happy ever after,
just that it's happy right now.
See once in a while, once in a blue moon,
people will surprise you,
and once in a while people may even
take your breath away."
It turns up when you don’t really expect it.
Its like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be
slightly different than you dreamed.
The castle, well, it may not be a castle.
And it's not so important that it's a happy ever after,
just that it's happy right now.
See once in a while, once in a blue moon,
people will surprise you,
and once in a while people may even
take your breath away."
Monday, December 7, 2009
it's the small things
it truly is the small things that matter. it's the small things that make you realize that there's still so much good left out there in the most unexpected people during the most unexpected moments.
these kinds of things keep me hopeful. these kinds of moments make me happy during times of burden and stress and fear, and even if it's for that little moment, that split second, i'm able to smile and feel warmth in my heart.
:)
these kinds of things keep me hopeful. these kinds of moments make me happy during times of burden and stress and fear, and even if it's for that little moment, that split second, i'm able to smile and feel warmth in my heart.
:)
Sunday, December 6, 2009
flashback
tonight i watched the First Light concert (the first Christian acapella group here at ru). It really made me reminisce about highschool, about choir, about beauty shop ensemble, about bergen county chorus, about just highschool in general. i began to get really sentimental when they sang this one song that my choir would always end each and every concert with: "The Lord Bless You and Keep You". it's a benediction and mrs. nehila would have us line up around the whole auditorium, the sopranos mixed with the altos and the tenors aligned with some basses. i remember i was standing there and it just so happened that i was right in front of my mom and dad who came to watch me sing. it was so emotional, so inspirational, hearing that sound just fill up the room. it was such a great sound, such an amalgam of so many voices blended into one pure, rich sound. those are the moments i miss. i miss the feeling of accomplishment after our concerts, the thrill i felt stepping onto the bleachers, the excitement to put my beauty shop outfit on with nude stockings and the blue choir robe on top. i felt so proud to be in my choir. i don't know. it was just.. a familiarity, a sense of family and home.
beauty shop was another thing i really miss. yeah, i didn't have many friends in it, but i think i went more for the music. i loved the sound we made together. and i loved rehearsals every Tuesday after school. it was more of a hobby than anything for me. like a way of life.. something that i needed to fill me, to make me whole. perhaps i had a void and singing was my way to temporarily fill it.
these days i really miss it. i miss it all. the feeling of pride, the deep inhalation and exhalation i took after the concert finished upon hearing the crowd's applause. the chills, the butterflies i got in my stomach. it was exhilarating. i think i'm missing that sense of exhilaration, that same feeling of home. i want to join an assemble or even a small acapella group. but i think i'm more scared than anything to invest so much time in it. because then what happens to my studies? i think i'm too scared of change. i complain that my life is boring, but i'm too scared to act on my passion, my impulse, and rethink everything-- which ultimately ends up in... nothing.
right now, i'm currently looking up songs i sang during bergen county chorus in 2006. Hope for Resolution is one of my favorites. it brings so many memories back. and even though i was in it alone, i had the best time of my life. i think auditioning for BCC was really a highlight in my highschool career and i'm so glad that i gathered enough courage to try out. it was really a great experience. to think about it, my 4 years of highschool can really be defined by choir, by singing, by performing. i love the arts, i really do. and it's weird how after coming to college, i just stopped. i hope that before i graduate, i get to fulfill this dream of joining a group and restoring that empty void i have now.
beauty shop was another thing i really miss. yeah, i didn't have many friends in it, but i think i went more for the music. i loved the sound we made together. and i loved rehearsals every Tuesday after school. it was more of a hobby than anything for me. like a way of life.. something that i needed to fill me, to make me whole. perhaps i had a void and singing was my way to temporarily fill it.
these days i really miss it. i miss it all. the feeling of pride, the deep inhalation and exhalation i took after the concert finished upon hearing the crowd's applause. the chills, the butterflies i got in my stomach. it was exhilarating. i think i'm missing that sense of exhilaration, that same feeling of home. i want to join an assemble or even a small acapella group. but i think i'm more scared than anything to invest so much time in it. because then what happens to my studies? i think i'm too scared of change. i complain that my life is boring, but i'm too scared to act on my passion, my impulse, and rethink everything-- which ultimately ends up in... nothing.
right now, i'm currently looking up songs i sang during bergen county chorus in 2006. Hope for Resolution is one of my favorites. it brings so many memories back. and even though i was in it alone, i had the best time of my life. i think auditioning for BCC was really a highlight in my highschool career and i'm so glad that i gathered enough courage to try out. it was really a great experience. to think about it, my 4 years of highschool can really be defined by choir, by singing, by performing. i love the arts, i really do. and it's weird how after coming to college, i just stopped. i hope that before i graduate, i get to fulfill this dream of joining a group and restoring that empty void i have now.
a little prayer
Therefore we do not lose heart.
Though outwardly we are wasting away,
yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
For our light and momentary troubles
are achieving for us an eternal glory
that far outweighs them all.
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen,
but on what is unseen.
For what is seen is temporary,
but what is unseen is eternal.
-- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Closer and closer do i come to opening up and not being afraid. I always keep myself closed, keep certain things of my life hidden, certain pieces of the puzzle of myself locked up so that if by chance someone stumbles upon it, she isn't able to piece together who i am and judge me. i'm so afraid of judgment, what others might think of my life, who i am, how i live. i'm so concerned about others, that i never focus on myself. do i love myself? i can't say that i do. it's like im facing some sort of war within different parts of my body; my mind is battling with my heart which is on the side of my conscience. but my mind always seems to win. my stubborn, analytical, paranoid mind. why is it so strong? when will it ever lose and when will my heart cease to be so hard? i have a deep passion for the people i truly care about, but when it comes to being cared for, i always have doubts. i regret a lot from the past, and i'm troubled by a lot of the people i've met. maybe i fear that these people i might get really close to- who may actually know me from head to toe- may not live up to my expectations and ultimately i'll be the one who's hurt in the end yet again. i know it's been said that you should never regret, that you learn from past experiences; that the past actually serves as a light to the future. but some things maybe just don't seem that way to me. who knows, maybe one day in the near near future, i'll learn to believe in this saying.
today my friend opened up to me about some things she's going through. if you're reading this, which i'm sure you will be doing sometime soon, i want to say i'm glad that you shared it with me. it makes me feel like a closer friend with a deeper connection which makes me value everything more. i think i've been lacking this for a long time.. and it feels good to start to feel that way again. so thanks, it really means a lot*
i'll pray. of the times i remember to pray before i sleep, i always ask God for the same things over and over again. I'm sure He's sick of hearing it, but it preoccupies my mind so much and it's like a burden to my heart. my friends' and familys' health and happiness, my family's salvation and for their ability to trust in God and to turn to him and be thankful throughout everything- the good and the bad. it makes me feel like a fool sometimes, saying this, since i know that i myself don't even do it. but i'd like that to change. and i really want my family to change too. but i guess actions speak louder than words, and i have a hard time getting myself to act. but i've been praying about that too. i feel like im mentally constrained. that something is holding me back, like there's some sort of barrier between myself and Him. and i wish that it would go away. i tell God that i believe, that i love Him more than anything. I do fear Him. i do get scared when i fail to be the person i'm expected to be, or when i act so nonchalant about everything. like i think that asking for forgiveness will make everything better. but i know it doesnt' work that way. and it scares me the most- for my family and myself.
i need to find strength. i need to find hope. i need to stop being so scared. I think what i'm scared most of is actually.. Him. I can't even face it and reveal to others why I don't come to church. i'm too ashamed, too embarassed of what i'm doing. but yet i'm such a coward to face my fears and change it. to transform. and when i get a chance, i can't even say my prayer request although i have so much burdening me. instead i crumble in front of everyone. i cry because i'm ashamed. because i feel worthless to His eyes. who am i to ask for prayers? what have i done to deserve that? i guess it all comes down to loving myself and knowing that God loves me too.
to top it off, i've been feeling so hot and cold about some friendships. i don't know.. maybe i'm being selfish, but i'm scared it's starting to reflect on how i act. i don't feel like i have a stable group of people in my life. am i just an acquaintance? do i value people more than they do me?
ugh.. so many problems.. who do i talk to when i'm scared of everyone?
yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
For our light and momentary troubles
are achieving for us an eternal glory
that far outweighs them all.
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen,
but on what is unseen.
For what is seen is temporary,
but what is unseen is eternal.
-- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Closer and closer do i come to opening up and not being afraid. I always keep myself closed, keep certain things of my life hidden, certain pieces of the puzzle of myself locked up so that if by chance someone stumbles upon it, she isn't able to piece together who i am and judge me. i'm so afraid of judgment, what others might think of my life, who i am, how i live. i'm so concerned about others, that i never focus on myself. do i love myself? i can't say that i do. it's like im facing some sort of war within different parts of my body; my mind is battling with my heart which is on the side of my conscience. but my mind always seems to win. my stubborn, analytical, paranoid mind. why is it so strong? when will it ever lose and when will my heart cease to be so hard? i have a deep passion for the people i truly care about, but when it comes to being cared for, i always have doubts. i regret a lot from the past, and i'm troubled by a lot of the people i've met. maybe i fear that these people i might get really close to- who may actually know me from head to toe- may not live up to my expectations and ultimately i'll be the one who's hurt in the end yet again. i know it's been said that you should never regret, that you learn from past experiences; that the past actually serves as a light to the future. but some things maybe just don't seem that way to me. who knows, maybe one day in the near near future, i'll learn to believe in this saying.today my friend opened up to me about some things she's going through. if you're reading this, which i'm sure you will be doing sometime soon, i want to say i'm glad that you shared it with me. it makes me feel like a closer friend with a deeper connection which makes me value everything more. i think i've been lacking this for a long time.. and it feels good to start to feel that way again. so thanks, it really means a lot*
i'll pray. of the times i remember to pray before i sleep, i always ask God for the same things over and over again. I'm sure He's sick of hearing it, but it preoccupies my mind so much and it's like a burden to my heart. my friends' and familys' health and happiness, my family's salvation and for their ability to trust in God and to turn to him and be thankful throughout everything- the good and the bad. it makes me feel like a fool sometimes, saying this, since i know that i myself don't even do it. but i'd like that to change. and i really want my family to change too. but i guess actions speak louder than words, and i have a hard time getting myself to act. but i've been praying about that too. i feel like im mentally constrained. that something is holding me back, like there's some sort of barrier between myself and Him. and i wish that it would go away. i tell God that i believe, that i love Him more than anything. I do fear Him. i do get scared when i fail to be the person i'm expected to be, or when i act so nonchalant about everything. like i think that asking for forgiveness will make everything better. but i know it doesnt' work that way. and it scares me the most- for my family and myself.
i need to find strength. i need to find hope. i need to stop being so scared. I think what i'm scared most of is actually.. Him. I can't even face it and reveal to others why I don't come to church. i'm too ashamed, too embarassed of what i'm doing. but yet i'm such a coward to face my fears and change it. to transform. and when i get a chance, i can't even say my prayer request although i have so much burdening me. instead i crumble in front of everyone. i cry because i'm ashamed. because i feel worthless to His eyes. who am i to ask for prayers? what have i done to deserve that? i guess it all comes down to loving myself and knowing that God loves me too.
to top it off, i've been feeling so hot and cold about some friendships. i don't know.. maybe i'm being selfish, but i'm scared it's starting to reflect on how i act. i don't feel like i have a stable group of people in my life. am i just an acquaintance? do i value people more than they do me?
ugh.. so many problems.. who do i talk to when i'm scared of everyone?
Thursday, December 3, 2009
mini break
i can't stand the sight of numbers right now. my brain feels like it's literally melting and the hotness of my room doesnt make this situation any better. its drizzling outside and considering the fact that it's winter and how it was freezing the past couple of days, you'd think it would be cold tonight but wow. it aint. i feel grateful when the wind decides to blow its way through my window hahah i guess the notion never take things for granted applies here huh.
this pharmaceutics calculation final is def kicking my butt. i def. underestimated it wayyy too much. and what do i do the day before the exam? i sleep from 3-6:45, eat dinner that my roommate cooks for her lil sib, chat and chat, and then finally decide to go to the library. what is up with me. maybe christmas is sneaking its way up into my head b/c i can't seem to stop listening to these songs. hehehe :) makes me so happy.
can't wait for christmas time. seeing decorations while driving through towns or the ones in the mall and hearing classic christmas songs is the best part. butttt until then, time to hit those numbers again. see ya!
this pharmaceutics calculation final is def kicking my butt. i def. underestimated it wayyy too much. and what do i do the day before the exam? i sleep from 3-6:45, eat dinner that my roommate cooks for her lil sib, chat and chat, and then finally decide to go to the library. what is up with me. maybe christmas is sneaking its way up into my head b/c i can't seem to stop listening to these songs. hehehe :) makes me so happy.
can't wait for christmas time. seeing decorations while driving through towns or the ones in the mall and hearing classic christmas songs is the best part. butttt until then, time to hit those numbers again. see ya!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
helllo
wowwwwww. i've never felt more sick of studying than i do now. maybe my mind is tired and refuses to take in any information i try to feed it. my stomach's begging for food though. i wish it were reversed. why oh why.
exam thurs and friday. last day of lab tomorrow morning. this lab was kind of fun (nerd alert!) compared to other labs. maybe it was the company i had. i'm dreaaaading (slow mo there) studying for patho. i mean really really studying for it. no matter how hard i try i can't seem to defeat the odds of.. doing really really badly. i guess i'm just not a pathology person. i'm even dreading this friday's weekly pharmcare quiz. buuttt gotta end with a bang. hahaha
i need to stop going through everyone else's life on blogs and tumblr's and focus on mine. library closes in less than an hour. didn't finish half of what i wanted to accomplish today :(
to end this post i'll share a picture i'm really liking :)
*wish i were her on that beach.
exam thurs and friday. last day of lab tomorrow morning. this lab was kind of fun (nerd alert!) compared to other labs. maybe it was the company i had. i'm dreaaaading (slow mo there) studying for patho. i mean really really studying for it. no matter how hard i try i can't seem to defeat the odds of.. doing really really badly. i guess i'm just not a pathology person. i'm even dreading this friday's weekly pharmcare quiz. buuttt gotta end with a bang. hahaha
i need to stop going through everyone else's life on blogs and tumblr's and focus on mine. library closes in less than an hour. didn't finish half of what i wanted to accomplish today :(
to end this post i'll share a picture i'm really liking :)
*wish i were her on that beach.
my urge to write
apologies for posting another blog, not that i think anyone really reads this thing anyway. i guess its more for myself- a much needed escape from the things that seem to be overwhelming, no, drowning me. I don't know why these kinds of things happen, but they always do. and they seem to always happen to me. I don't know what i do or what i should do- let's put
it that way- to prevent things from becoming like they are now. it's like im living my life in different segments only because i'm aging and i'm forced to grow accustomed to these new things. But no matter what, all of these segments end the same way. the same pattern seems to arise with me and i think it's definitely taking its toll on not only my patience but also my mentality. and then i push everyone away and try to escape to a different place where maybe someone might understand, but nevertheless it all accumulates to this. this is my problem. this is one thing i truly hate about myself. i'm scared to open up. it takes so long for me to find that person or that group of people to whom i can reveal my soul, my entirety to. i've witnessed so much in my past, i've experienced too many bad things that my heart is just sheltered now. it locked itself in a box and i don't even know where to find that key that might unlock it. and what if it does unlock, what kind of condition will it be in?
yeah, i want to change all this. i want to be that person to take risks and chances and dive into situations no matter what the consequences. i want to be that care-free girl who lives in the moment, not analyzing or debating about every single action that may lead to her downfall in the near future. but can i change? isn't this just me? i can change my hair, my style, my friends, but can i change myself- my soul? is it unfortunate that i have to live this way, with this sort of mentality and this constant problem that haunts me everywhere i go? too many questions with no answers whatsoever.
in times like these, who can i turn to? let's rephrase that... who can i trust to guard my heart so it doesn't have to guard itself?
it that way- to prevent things from becoming like they are now. it's like im living my life in different segments only because i'm aging and i'm forced to grow accustomed to these new things. But no matter what, all of these segments end the same way. the same pattern seems to arise with me and i think it's definitely taking its toll on not only my patience but also my mentality. and then i push everyone away and try to escape to a different place where maybe someone might understand, but nevertheless it all accumulates to this. this is my problem. this is one thing i truly hate about myself. i'm scared to open up. it takes so long for me to find that person or that group of people to whom i can reveal my soul, my entirety to. i've witnessed so much in my past, i've experienced too many bad things that my heart is just sheltered now. it locked itself in a box and i don't even know where to find that key that might unlock it. and what if it does unlock, what kind of condition will it be in?yeah, i want to change all this. i want to be that person to take risks and chances and dive into situations no matter what the consequences. i want to be that care-free girl who lives in the moment, not analyzing or debating about every single action that may lead to her downfall in the near future. but can i change? isn't this just me? i can change my hair, my style, my friends, but can i change myself- my soul? is it unfortunate that i have to live this way, with this sort of mentality and this constant problem that haunts me everywhere i go? too many questions with no answers whatsoever.
in times like these, who can i turn to? let's rephrase that... who can i trust to guard my heart so it doesn't have to guard itself?
love?
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds: “What does love mean?”
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
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“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.”
Rebecca - age 8
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“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.”
Billy - age 4
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“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.”
Terri - age 4
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“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.”
Danny - age 7
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“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.”
Emily - age 8
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“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.”
Bobby - age 7
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“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.”
Nikka - age 6
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“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.”
Noelle - age 7
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“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.”
Tommy - age 6
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“During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.”
Cindy - age 8
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“Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.”
Elaine - age 5
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“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.”
Chris - age 7
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“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.”
Mary Ann - age 4
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“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.”
Lauren - age 4
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“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.”
Karen - age 7
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“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.”
Mark - age 6
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“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.”
Jessica - age 8
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And the final one…
Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said:
“Nothing. I just helped him cry.”
so.. what is love?
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