recollect & remember

so i've been looking at houses these past few days. i think i picked up what's supposed to be my mom's job since she's too busy working and just doesn't know where to begin to look. so i've taken it under my reigns. now it's up to me to find us a perfect house and leave behind this one. i've been looking around paramus, since the property tax over there is supposed to be not that bad - compared to old tappan, that is, since as of now we are paying 15,000 in taxes alone! no wonder my mom wants to get out of here so badly. i wonder, though, what made her move here in the first place. now a days i'm getting accustomed to my home.. the window seat where i sit almost half the day with my laptop propped up on the leather sofa, which i've made into my own personal little table, the black marble table top where my family eats instead of the dining room which offers more than enough space for all 5 of us, the stairs that creak oh so loudly when i am trying to tip toe back into my room after coming home too late for my mom's approval, the french doors that remind me of my trip to paris, and my own yellow room with its big windows and patterned curtains that i love so much. i think if the day ever comes that i move from this little townhouse, i will be a little sad. i know i haven't spent a lot of time here just because of college and all, but hey, i did move to this place in freshman year of highschool. funny thing is, i don't really remember a lot of my highschool memories in this house. i can't remember where i studied most of my nights or which room i was in the most. only a few memories remain clear amidst all the other jumbled thoughts i seem to have but those i will not discuss here.. let's say i'd rather keep it private since.. some things are better left for only you to know, do you not agree? and then there are objects that seem to remind me of my former days in highschool- the old computer that's sitting on the mini pink computer desk in the corner of my room, along with the mouse pad of a white puppy. with the exception of those two objects, it seems as if i've lost all access to the part of my brain where the memories of my past are stored. where did they go? is it already that i'm losing track of time, of what has already happened? why can i only remember the more recent days- the days of studying organic chemistry in my dorm room or ocasionally in the dining room of my house, or the way my dorm room looked, or even the food that the dining hall served? why is it that the memories of my own home are no longer lucid to my very own eyes? maybe it's a sign that i should be documenting every little thing in this blog. just so when the day comes that i look back and try to stir up my thoughts and remember.. that i can just turn to this and everything that i want to remember will come flooding back. i think one of my greatest fears in life is forgetting- that is losing those once precious moments and never being able to bring them back. after discovering that my grandmother had Alzheimers, i think i've been living in fear that one day, like my grandmother, i will too begin to forget. what happens if i don't remember my mom or my dad or my sister and how they look like? what happens if i can't picture the beauty marks on my mom's face, the way her nose crinkles when she laughs, the deliberate, obnoxious chuckle she makes when only she thinks something is funny, or my dad's stubble when he hasn't shaved, or how one of his eyes is bigger than the other and how they droop, or my sister's awkward smile when she's trying to make me laugh, or the look on her face when she is worried and trying to ask me for advice. where do all these memories go when you can no longer remember them? will that day come where i won't be able to recognize my own roots, where i came from? i think from now on, i should really try to blog what's important to me or the things that are occuring that i find significant to this very day. because i don't ever want to have to dive deep into my brain to try to fetch my past and attempt to assemble them like one big puzzle. no, i don't want to do that. i just want to remember.