Though outwardly we are wasting away,
yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
For our light and momentary troubles
are achieving for us an eternal glory
that far outweighs them all.
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen,
but on what is unseen.
For what is seen is temporary,
but what is unseen is eternal.
-- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Closer and closer do i come to opening up and not being afraid. I always keep myself closed, keep certain things of my life hidden, certain pieces of the puzzle of myself locked up so that if by chance someone stumbles upon it, she isn't able to piece together who i am and judge me. i'm so afraid of judgment, what others might think of my life, who i am, how i live. i'm so concerned about others, that i never focus on myself. do i love myself? i can't say that i do. it's like im facing some sort of war within different parts of my body; my mind is battling with my heart which is on the side of my conscience. but my mind always seems to win. my stubborn, analytical, paranoid mind. why is it so strong? when will it ever lose and when will my heart cease to be so hard? i have a deep passion for the people i truly care about, but when it comes to being cared for, i always have doubts. i regret a lot from the past, and i'm troubled by a lot of the people i've met. maybe i fear that these people i might get really close to- who may actually know me from head to toe- may not live up to my expectations and ultimately i'll be the one who's hurt in the end yet again. i know it's been said that you should never regret, that you learn from past experiences; that the past actually serves as a light to the future. but some things maybe just don't seem that way to me. who knows, maybe one day in the near near future, i'll learn to believe in this saying.
today my friend opened up to me about some things she's going through. if you're reading this, which i'm sure you will be doing sometime soon, i want to say i'm glad that you shared it with me. it makes me feel like a closer friend with a deeper connection which makes me value everything more. i think i've been lacking this for a long time.. and it feels good to start to feel that way again. so thanks, it really means a lot*
i'll pray. of the times i remember to pray before i sleep, i always ask God for the same things over and over again. I'm sure He's sick of hearing it, but it preoccupies my mind so much and it's like a burden to my heart. my friends' and familys' health and happiness, my family's salvation and for their ability to trust in God and to turn to him and be thankful throughout everything- the good and the bad. it makes me feel like a fool sometimes, saying this, since i know that i myself don't even do it. but i'd like that to change. and i really want my family to change too. but i guess actions speak louder than words, and i have a hard time getting myself to act. but i've been praying about that too. i feel like im mentally constrained. that something is holding me back, like there's some sort of barrier between myself and Him. and i wish that it would go away. i tell God that i believe, that i love Him more than anything. I do fear Him. i do get scared when i fail to be the person i'm expected to be, or when i act so nonchalant about everything. like i think that asking for forgiveness will make everything better. but i know it doesnt' work that way. and it scares me the most- for my family and myself.
i need to find strength. i need to find hope. i need to stop being so scared. I think what i'm scared most of is actually.. Him. I can't even face it and reveal to others why I don't come to church. i'm too ashamed, too embarassed of what i'm doing. but yet i'm such a coward to face my fears and change it. to transform. and when i get a chance, i can't even say my prayer request although i have so much burdening me. instead i crumble in front of everyone. i cry because i'm ashamed. because i feel worthless to His eyes. who am i to ask for prayers? what have i done to deserve that? i guess it all comes down to loving myself and knowing that God loves me too.
to top it off, i've been feeling so hot and cold about some friendships. i don't know.. maybe i'm being selfish, but i'm scared it's starting to reflect on how i act. i don't feel like i have a stable group of people in my life. am i just an acquaintance? do i value people more than they do me?
ugh.. so many problems.. who do i talk to when i'm scared of everyone?
yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
For our light and momentary troubles
are achieving for us an eternal glory
that far outweighs them all.
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen,
but on what is unseen.
For what is seen is temporary,
but what is unseen is eternal.
-- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Closer and closer do i come to opening up and not being afraid. I always keep myself closed, keep certain things of my life hidden, certain pieces of the puzzle of myself locked up so that if by chance someone stumbles upon it, she isn't able to piece together who i am and judge me. i'm so afraid of judgment, what others might think of my life, who i am, how i live. i'm so concerned about others, that i never focus on myself. do i love myself? i can't say that i do. it's like im facing some sort of war within different parts of my body; my mind is battling with my heart which is on the side of my conscience. but my mind always seems to win. my stubborn, analytical, paranoid mind. why is it so strong? when will it ever lose and when will my heart cease to be so hard? i have a deep passion for the people i truly care about, but when it comes to being cared for, i always have doubts. i regret a lot from the past, and i'm troubled by a lot of the people i've met. maybe i fear that these people i might get really close to- who may actually know me from head to toe- may not live up to my expectations and ultimately i'll be the one who's hurt in the end yet again. i know it's been said that you should never regret, that you learn from past experiences; that the past actually serves as a light to the future. but some things maybe just don't seem that way to me. who knows, maybe one day in the near near future, i'll learn to believe in this saying.today my friend opened up to me about some things she's going through. if you're reading this, which i'm sure you will be doing sometime soon, i want to say i'm glad that you shared it with me. it makes me feel like a closer friend with a deeper connection which makes me value everything more. i think i've been lacking this for a long time.. and it feels good to start to feel that way again. so thanks, it really means a lot*
i'll pray. of the times i remember to pray before i sleep, i always ask God for the same things over and over again. I'm sure He's sick of hearing it, but it preoccupies my mind so much and it's like a burden to my heart. my friends' and familys' health and happiness, my family's salvation and for their ability to trust in God and to turn to him and be thankful throughout everything- the good and the bad. it makes me feel like a fool sometimes, saying this, since i know that i myself don't even do it. but i'd like that to change. and i really want my family to change too. but i guess actions speak louder than words, and i have a hard time getting myself to act. but i've been praying about that too. i feel like im mentally constrained. that something is holding me back, like there's some sort of barrier between myself and Him. and i wish that it would go away. i tell God that i believe, that i love Him more than anything. I do fear Him. i do get scared when i fail to be the person i'm expected to be, or when i act so nonchalant about everything. like i think that asking for forgiveness will make everything better. but i know it doesnt' work that way. and it scares me the most- for my family and myself.
i need to find strength. i need to find hope. i need to stop being so scared. I think what i'm scared most of is actually.. Him. I can't even face it and reveal to others why I don't come to church. i'm too ashamed, too embarassed of what i'm doing. but yet i'm such a coward to face my fears and change it. to transform. and when i get a chance, i can't even say my prayer request although i have so much burdening me. instead i crumble in front of everyone. i cry because i'm ashamed. because i feel worthless to His eyes. who am i to ask for prayers? what have i done to deserve that? i guess it all comes down to loving myself and knowing that God loves me too.
to top it off, i've been feeling so hot and cold about some friendships. i don't know.. maybe i'm being selfish, but i'm scared it's starting to reflect on how i act. i don't feel like i have a stable group of people in my life. am i just an acquaintance? do i value people more than they do me?
ugh.. so many problems.. who do i talk to when i'm scared of everyone?
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