predicament.

lately it's been hard trying to write down and document my thoughts. maybe it's because i haven't been writing very often, or maybe it's because i have nothing to write about. the latter kind of scares me. i mean, when i look at it, i'm still young. i'm 20 and isn't this the part in life when i'm supposed to be wishing it would last forever and that i would never grow older? strange that sometimes i think the opposite.. sometimes i wish that time would fly a little faster than it already does, just a little though, just so that i know my place in life. i wish that although i would grow older and wiser and more knowledgable and possibly more content, that my family would remain young and healthy. maybe this is a wakeup call for me. are the dissatisfactions and disappointments the result of simply just me? is it my mentality, my expectations of so many things or of so many people that keep holding me down? i wonder when i will ever be free of such emotional restraints. it's never physical chains that bind me, but always the psychological ones. but when i do turn, say.. 24, when i'm done with college and am ready to find a job, will i be in the same place- that is, being disappointed with where i am or who i've become? i think that's what i'm most scared of lately. that i will never be content with myself and my position in life. and that i'll constantly be let down just because i overanalyze or misinterpret things. i think that's what i'll focus most on. just trying to live freely without all these emotional attachments everywhere.. but that also means that i'll have to live with my guard up. which is worse? i have yet to find out.