Vision 2010.

Blessed.

no other words can describe the feeling i have. no smile, no laughter, no tear can compare to my experience at Vision, to the messages i've learned. i've been a witness to God's love, to a living testimony and nothing could ever replace that- no exciting weekend at home, no vacation, nothing.

when i think about my actions and the reasons i had to keep myself from going, i feel so stupid and ashamed. what could be better than God? what else is there to look forward to than Him? What do i want more than to seek His face? To let my own uncomfort or my own wordly likings get in the way of finding God really disappoints me. and when i think about that, i realize that maybe i'm still so far away from where i want to me.. than i may not like where i am afterall.. because apparently i do stray and i do slip back to my past mentality. i know i'm only human and i know i've only just started to come to God.. but i would die to see myself back where i was. and sometimes it's so easy to go back. sleep, time, school, food, family, friends, the world itself is such a distraction, sometimes my own worst enemy. and to think that i have to constantly put up a battle and be on my guard for God overwhelms me. but the truth of the matter is i long to do it. i have this deep fervor for God and maybe that's why i cry so much when i talk to Him. or maybe my sinful heart just longs for forgiveness and its so dirty that it comes out through my tears. either way, i don't want to stay this way. and i know for sure that that is truth.

Like Dr. John Kim, i want to have a vision. or in his case, multiple visions. he's so Blessed in so many ways imaginable. it's so encouraging and simply amazing to see God's child, 77 years old, who still has Christ's love burning in his heart, or "His blood pumping through my heart" as he put it. it's just truly amazing. and wow.. i want to become a living testimony like that. and it will be so hard to face SO many obstacles along the way, to lose SO many things like Dr. Kim did.. but in the end you're gaining the one thing that matters in this life.. God's love. it's a scary thought to imagine my life flashing by my eyes.. to think of the battles i may have to face because i have declared that i want to be what God created me to be. but anything is better than having to waste my life trying to seek Him and failing because of my mere selfishness and stupidity. because then what is life?

so God, i pray that You would reveal Your own vision for me. so i can be so much more than what i am now.. so i can do so many more things than i am doing now. so that i can see bigger and better things to which i am blind to and so that i may one day see You.