a new place.. a great one

i really like where i am. i like where i stand, i like the way i feel, i like the way i love. i enjoy raising my hands in the air knowing that He's so close, knowing that i might be able to get that much closer. I like how i feel comforted when i close my eyes to sleep knowing that He has listened to my prayers. I like how i cry, because crying although embarrassing, shows that I do really care, that i may in fact have genuine feelings. And i fear for those people who are indifferent but most of all i fear for myself-- that maybe one day i might slip, i might stray off the path i'm supposed to be on and land on a deserted stretch of land that no body dares to go.

I feel myself caught in a dilemma and i dislike the feeling. i don't like it at all. this year's GCC retreat is coming up this weekend, and i'm stuck here debating whether or not i should attend. i was struggling for hours, thinking about the pro's and con's, basically analyzing- the thing i do best. but i think i've made my decision. and i realize if i had just listened to my heart rather than channeling all the pressures from my peers and expectations that i feel i'm supposed to live up to, i would have got to my answer fairly quickly. so here it is: i won't go. the reason is pretty simple yet so complex. so i listed the things that i like and a few that i don't like. here's the things that i want.

i want to grow more and more in Him. I want to experience all the joys and all the rewards there are in living, breathing His words and His visions. I want to know my place in the world. i want to serve, do something better with my life. but all these things i want i feel take time. and that's what i need.. i need time to grow, time for my heart to become soft and more loving. faith doesn't blossom overnight. it takes a long time for someone to trust, to believe 100% that God will provide for every little thing. it's a long road before sacrificing your all to serve. and by that i mean sacrificing materialistic things, things that you may not need but that you want. things that are better for others and not for yourself. i know this is true, and for some who don't choose to believe that it is in fact hard, they may not be as humble as they should be. and for these reasons, for the mere fact that it takes time to grow and blossom, i choose to grow in my own time so that i may feel comfortable. i don't want to feel uncomfortable at this retreat- maybe because i don't know as many people, maybe because i don't feel apart of the church community yet. i mean, i barely went and i definitely wasn't considered a regular church-goer. i don't want to feel pressured nor envy others' relationship with God. i don't want my own uncomfort to hinder me from focusing my attention on Him. Recall from my previous blog an excerpt:

"Daughter. I will never leave you or forsake you. But, you must wait. Don’t be anxious. Do not get in a hurry. Don’t look around and fear or envy the things others have received from me. You must keep from looking off or away."

And like those very words, i won't look around and i won't fear. i like the place i'm in, the feelings that i have. and if it feels so good, i must be doing something right... right? maybe it's not the time for my first retreat.. maybe my heart has to be in it 100% before going. maybe it just takes time. but i know He won't leave me, so i have nothing to fear. my heart is finally at rest :)